Wednesday, July 06, 2005
Things need not happen to be true. Tales and dreams are the shadow-truths that will endure when mere facts are dusts and ashes, and forgot. - Dream (Neil Gaiman)
Haven't been blogging here in a while, feels like such unfamiliar territory already. Too many thigns have been happening in my life to recount them all one by one, so i suggest you just go to my xanga blog, if you're bored and feel like reading a lot of entries that is. Link's down below, just scroll down. =)
College has been...well, ok so far. The first few weeks were kinda terrible though, being with the kind of people there makes me feel like an ignorant bafoon. Like how i ever came to study there is a total mystery. But well, things are going okay now. I guess i'm learning to adapt more to the hundreds of changes here. Like for instance, i no longer get wet in the rain while walking from class to class, as i now finally just bought myself a stinkin' umbrella at the A-shop. 300 bucks for a tiny umbrella that barely covers your whole body. Oh well, at least it keeps
most of me dry! Next, i no longer feel like such a dimwitt in my english block. We had to make a paper and let our blockmates criticize and correct any technical or grammatical errors, and after reading some of my blockmates' works i realized that
okay, they're not so perfect after all. Hooray. My blockmates are really nice too, and although we have some members with unfathomable personalities such as "bold star" and "juicy", they're not so bad after all,hehehehe. One thing that really wavers around in my head though, is how small the world is in college. Yeah, you must be thinking it should be the opposite, right? But in my case, my world just seemed smaller. So many people that i just met happened to know a lot of people that i know. A lot of them being interconnected to some significant events that have happened all throughout highschool. Wow,
this year. I thought nothing could compare to the events of 2004, but it just so happens that 2005 has just unravelled so many or even most of the "behind the scenes" works of the events of last year.(and more) So i guess it's sorta like
Year 2004-uncut, or
2004 revealed. (thinks of kaye and Pat's "series of unfortunate events", hihi!) Hehe, but it's all good, i find myself laughing nalang at all the irony. It IS rather comedic when you think about it! (sniggers) it adds the spice to life. No matter how sucky life can get, every bad thing is replaced with something good anyway. There's a hidden surprise in every misfortune.
I know there's nothing i can do to change what's already happened, but then.... i dunno. i find myself thinking again and again about it all, wondering if i did the right thing. See, i'm good at pretending if only to protect myself. I could pretend like i dont care, like it doesnt affect me, like its all okay. In short, i have the power and choice to totally brainwash myself. Maybe its to avoid confrontation and feeling hatred, but it works for me. I try not to feel angry, or hurt, or sinister, but sometimes i end up just not feeling period. I become numb. Then i cant see what's real and what's not. I can't find my real feelings anymore coz i brainwashed myself too much. It's hard being stranded here, not being able to move forward or completely go backward. It leaves me the feeling of such vulnerability, and I dont trust the situation. I cant just pretend like nothing happened. Parang naman akong nagpapakatanga if i just throw myself at the situation,sitting bare-naked at the feet of it. The scars are now scabs, but hey, they're still there. Hey gabriella, it's back to square one,
squared.
But as i always say, things happen for a reason. Things have made me stronger and if i could rewind time, i'd keep things exactly as they are. I wouldn't dare mess with time or fate.And HEY, it's got me writing again!(alleluia). I guess right now, aside from it, im just really bothered by
me. I bother me a lot lately.
I told you all i hate making decisions ;p
tricia grew up
at 10:51 PM
